One commentary I think we should all remember about tech is that there are some decent studies that show we are actually lonelier than stats from the past.
This is usually interpreted as people being less social, which creates an interesting contradiction that media loves to report on. We’re more connected than ever, but lonelier than ever?!? Wow, what a news story.
I offer an alternative hypothesis, which to my knowledge hasn’t been tested (please link me if it has).
We have changed the definition of friendship and loneliness, culturally. So when they do these studies, they are usually asking people how many friends or good friends you have, and find that younger people have less. I argue that this is because we see “good friends” differently than other generations.
In the past, friendships and social activities were used for certain kinds of social currency - knowing your neighbors meant they would do you favours, being friends with your boss and coworkers meant being promoted, because nepotism was the norm. My parents had lots of friends that I would consider more like acquaintances, and maybe one best friend, if that.
For me, someone I know in passing and in the community is not my friend. Other parents at my kids’ schools are polite acquaintances that help each other out sometimes, with the occasional friendship. To me, and I don’t think I’m that odd, a friend is someone who has known me when I’m truly vulnerable, or I’ve been able to express a vulnerability safely. My best friends are like my family, they can show up anytime, I’ll drop what I’m doing for their emergencies, and I prioritize them above anyone else. In my whole life, my parents never had those kind of friendships and demanded that level of interaction from their nuclear family, which as we know turns toxic really quickly.
Lastly I think we have redefined loneliness as well, and our loneliness is from defeated expectations, the insane number of life difficulties we have compared to previous generations, and our general disconnection from our elders. Contemporary society has transferred the symptoms of class conflict and renamed it intergenerational conflict, and have successfully disconnected us from like minded people who are far older that us. I also think this is changing - I have a good number of friends and acquaintances all through their 20s, and I’ve made a conscious effort to not engage with intergenerational conflict that is presented by the media, in particular against GenZ. Are they eating tide pods on YouTube? I critique mass media and monetization, and not their shallowness and stupidity. They have avant garde, surreal humour? I draw parallels with absurdism in the 1930s and its rich cultural history rather than write them off as lazy, stupid or purposely opaque. They use a lot of memes? I delve into the new form of communication they are using to make connections and try to understand its lexicon rather than call them cringey. The latter of all of these is manufactured. It’s not hidden, you just have to read a book on contemporary marketing to see that they are obsessed with creating these generational categories for product differentiation, and they’ve been doing it a long time. Definitely since before GenX, but I think GenX was the first, industry wide, conscious and deliberate attempt to make a generationally specific culture.
So I’m critical when studies show we have less friends and are lonely, especially when its presented in the context of “life and society is getting worse the more we embrace post modernism” because that’s a straight up right wing talking point. It’s used to muddy the waters. Some things are better and some things are definitely not, but as long as we let empathy and justice guide our social decisions and interactions, we can help shift some realities so others never have to experience them again.
